halladolwen's diary

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It all comes out : 4:18 p.m. : June 27, 2004

Since my last update, oh so long ago:

1) K and I showed our anti-war film for the end of our project.

2) ROCK ended

3) I've had several enlightening conversations with my stepmom

4) I've hung out more with Carrie

5) I've been working more

6) I went to an orientation for my trip to El Salvador this summer

7)Alix is coming to visit in like four days and I still haven't called her. (Sorry, Alix, call me if you read this before I call you)

8) I saw Fahrenheit 9/11, Michael Moore's new movie.

9) I saw Harry Potter

10) I went to LA

11) I found a pair of jeans that look good on me, which incidentally are my little sister's.

There are so many details that go in there, but it's so mized up and confused that I'm not sure waht to write about.

But there's one thing I do want to write about.

One of my biggest guidelines for how I live my life is "NO LIES." In any way. And There are two parts ofhtis iI want to talk about.

First, I haven't really been living by this the last few months. Kelsey, I have a livejournal. If you want to know what it is, just ask, and if you've already found it, please tell me. I just wanted to have aplace where I could write without having people who know me personally read it, but I guess that's not a given when you have an online journal. I figure anything really personal, I can just write in a regular journal. There isn't anything I would want to write that I'd have to hide from anyone, and if there were things I wanted to write that involved people I know, I'd write them in my regular diary. I've come in contact in the past with finding someone's diary and finding out they've written hurtful things about me, and it stings like a bitch. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I'm sorry for keeping that a secret from you, even though I guess I shouldn't be apologizing for having a secret.

There are a bunch of ways I haven't really been genuine in the last few months, starting with doing things I don't want to do, and expecting too much of myself because I feel like I owe everyone something. What I'm trying to say is, I've been in a way betraying myself because I've been trying to do too many things, trying to impress everyone and live up to everyone's standards and it's so hard. It really is. And not knowing who my real friends are really does hurt and complicate things a lot.

The second part of "NO LIES" I want to talk about is people who are supposed to be my friends not getting that. A lot of people I guess don't think I'm genuine in how I act towards other poeple and what I do and say and what things I like and what I wear or what music I listen to, etc. It hurts so much when people who I thought knew me so well end up missing the whole point about how I live. And then they judge me on being fake or whatever, and it hurts when I hear about it or have it said to my face.

I'm so sick of high school. I end up talking about my job a lot, but it really has opened my eyes a lot to what's out there. Being around people who aren't in high school, especially not with me, and who aren't connected in any way to my family, is an eye-opening experience. As this woman I know said when I talked to her about all this, "It seems like you're finsing teenagers rather tedious." I'm just tired of all the petty arguments and the going behind each others' backs and worrying so much about trivial things when there's a whole world out there to live in. I'm not saying that people should always talk about politics or trying to save the world or anything like that, I just hate when people always have to be the best and when I feel so stupid and like an outsider because of what someone says or does to me. Let's just say that I'm SO GLAD it's summer, and I wish it would last forever.

Someone told me a couple of months ago that when you get to college, you realize how much high school sucks. And I was like, THANKS! You're telling me this now?! When I have two years left?! Sheesh.

In the meantime, while I have to go to school, I'm just trying to keep my head above water in the social ocean and in the me-ocean. It's hard to know who I am sometimes, with so many opinionated people around me.

London - Thailand

hits.