halladolwen's diaryCurrent - Archives - Profile - E-mail - Book - Notes - Links - Design - Host Hopeless : 8:45 p.m. : January 08, 2004 |
| Gah. I am totally hopeless. I completely broke down at lunch today. I don't really know what set me off, but I guess I was being weird or something, because I started bawling, and my friends all just looked at me. I guess they didn't know what to do. A hug would have been good though. I especially need an Ellie hug. Ellie is one of my friends whom I can call up or hang out with or whatever, and I don't have to be worried about everything I say. And I kind of figured out that part of the reason why I obsess over every little thing that happens is 1) I am extremely critical of myself, and 2) I am afraid that at school, if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, my friends will leave. I spent pretty much all of 6th and 7th and most of 8th with either very few or no friends at all. And I am constantly worried about whether people are talking behind my back or whether they are just pretending they like me. This does happen sometimes - there's one girl I know who really doesn't like me, but she thinks I don't know, so she acts like everything is fine and all. I hate it when people lie. It bothers me so much. Anyway, with Ellie, I don't have to worry that if I don't wear the right clothes or say the right things, she will go away. What I'm trying to say is that I am never really sure of the.....loyalty of my friends. I don't know whether they would still like me if I got pregnant or something like that. But with Ellie, and most of the other people from camp, I don't have to worry about it. Ellie loves me for who I am. I can count on her to never go away and leave me all alone. I'm terrified of being alone. I was alone for years, and I don't want it to go back to that. I'm terrified of all the decisions I have to make every day and of the ones I will have to make in the future. I am so hopeless when it comes to acting on crushes or making friends with people that I wouldn't normally. I can't just go up to someone in the hall and be all "Hi. So, what's happening?" I'm sure it would be physically possible for me to do so, but my brian wouldn't allow it. ESPECIALLY not someone i have a ginormous crush on. (My friend just suggested that I try to get to know him better...OK, this is ME we are talking about!) Anyway, I am totally going off topic, but I'm feeling pretty hopeless about that situation right now. This stuff here is mine, unless otherwise stated. That's why it has my name on it. Thank you. |