halladolwen's diary

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* : 9:37 p.m. : October 28, 2003

I hate being so young. I hate having to have other people make decisions for me.

All I want is to have friends, to have people I can trust, people who I can love. And I honestly think I don't have much of that right now. And all I want is more of it.

I hate that people think of me as such a kid.

Why can't I make my own choices?

God, I am so fcuked up. I have all these weird things going on in my head. But I'm not crazy. But I am. But I'm not. I don't know what to think. Am I crazy? Am I a psycho freak loser lunatic? I have no idea.

It feels so humiliating to cry. I hate it. It makes me feel like a little girl. And yet it feels relieving. But I want it to stop, because it makes me feel like I can't get anything done, like I'm just a piece of property to be tossed around and controlled as if I have no feelings.

But what I hate most is crying in front of people. And yet I seem to do it all the time. I really am crazy. And a chicken. I couldn't even jump off the damn zipline on the ropes course at camp. And I can't get up the courage to go out and make new friends, ones that don't make me feel like complete sh*t. Ones that make me feel good about myself, and that live near me so I can see them more than 3 weeks this summer, and that I can love and trust and love and trust. At this moment in time, I feel no love or trust for any of the people at school I call friends. Sure, I like them. Sure, I talk to them about all sorts of things. Sure, they're fun to hang out with, when they're not being idiots or screaming at each other or having catfights or being narrow-minded. But they aren't the kind of people that I NEED right now. I need people who are like sisters, and there are 11, or maybe 13 of them out there, and I don't know if I can stay with them.

I don't know what's going to happen in the future. All I see is a void that needs filling. But how do I do it? How can I fill the gap? How can I be enough? And why don't I have enough people here to help me?

London - Thailand

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